Let’s be honest; the girls didn’t need any convincing to buy the record, but having a cat there is sort of having an extra reward for doing the right thing and buying the record. So it wasn’t so much bait as a price.

The cutest? How dare you. I personally think my cat was by far the cutest kitten. Michael’s kitten…well OK to be fair there is a lot of touching up done in Photoshop, after we took the photos. That kitten that Michael was holding was hideously ugly. Just like actually deformed. It was honestly barely recognizable as, not just a cat, but as an earthbound animal. It was ghoulish. So yes. Mine was the cutest. And why did I get it? Because I’m the cutest. (chuckles)

I wasn’t expressing an opinion. That’s an objective. It doesn’t affect me in any way. I hope you understand. Much in the same way that me saying 2+2 equals 4. It has no effect on me personally. Just the way it is. (chuckles)

It was totally random choice. Whomever that kitten ran to, was who got the cat. And of course the cutest kitten ran to me. Actually all three ran to me. Then I picked mine up and the two sort of sauntered over to Chris and Michael.

How we persuaded them? We dangled little herring bits in front of them. They tried to paw them and we told them “Nah, No! Unless you are cute, you will have none of this herring.” And then we devoured some more herring in front of the kitten, just to really show them the severity of the situation they were in. Then they cutened up a little bit. We took the photos…we didn’t give them the herring. That would be a bribe. And we don’t go in for that illegal nonsense.

Mean? The law isn’t meant to be kind or mean. It’s justice. It’s fair. You can’t break the law, you can’t bribe a cat. That’s US law at least. I don’t know what goes on in Switzerland. In the States you cannot bribe a cat. It’s illegal. It’s like bribing a judge.

He was handling a live animal. These things are covered in disease and filth. Their own filth and other animal’s filth. Some of my filth was on that cat. So you ask why he was wearing gloves? Because he was eating ham sandwich during the photo shoot. His hand was covered in cat filth.

Oh no, we have like 80 photos with him wearing leather gloves. Some of them couldn’t be released to the public. They were too grisly.

Oh no the cat was very kind and kept making very plaintive sounds at Chris that clearly indicated that the cat simply wanted to be put down. But Chris would only tighten his grasp on it. One point I think I heard his little ribs crack. It was glorious. (laughs)

Where can you order the kittens? From every back alley stray cat. Anywhere there’s a pregnant stray, you can order kittens of the same quality as the ones that are featured prominently on our album cover. They were total mutts.

Lagging behind? We are the forefront of music. The thing is, we’re the sort of band that has this sort of secret messages embedded in the music and they’re deeply futuristic. And actually they rather tell the future. So if one can decode our music, one will know the future. So lagging? Hardly

It plays together. We’ll say that the music is the cryptograph and the lyrics are the key. Together they allow one to read this code of ours.

Like him? He’s a hero to me. I based an entire methodology upon the works of Indiana Jones.

That’s a good question. (pause). I think I write them for the audience to connect with, because, you know, when you’ve had the experiences I have, which have been nearly magical and miraculous, I cannot expect (chuckles) the common person to understand the tremendous trials and triumphs that I’ve been through. So it would be unfair for me to simply (can hardly continue talking, because he has to laugh so hard because of the answer he’s giving), to simply sing about my own life. Because most people simply wouldn’t understand. So I keep it general so that everyone can read their own meaning into.

That’s true, but I think I’m just enough a person. I think my ego is sufficiently dampened enough. I don’t crave worship. I mean I crave domination. Yes. I crave world domination, but that doesn’t necessarily involve being worshipped by people. Just being catered to by other people. Worship doesn’t have to come into play.

Why don’t I want them to? I beg them every day to know my lyrics. Often they won’t listen.

The key to that is that we’re just very lazy. We don’t feel like typing them. I already went through the trouble of singing them and recording them, so you could hear them. The last thing I wanna do is sit down and type them up now. So it’s laziness. I’m not trying to deny you anything. I just don’t have the time. I’m such a busy man. I’ve got so many inventions to work on.

Like a magical flying machine. I have got this design. OK. It’s a huge craft and inside will be something like 100 or 200 hundred seats. And this craft will be the shape of a magnificent silver bird. And people will be able to get inside of it and sit in their seat and one person in charge will drive this magical metal bird into the air and across the world. It’s gonna change the world, it’s gonna change the world, it’s gonna change the way we travel. We will start traveling by air. You think you’d ever see the day?

I know, but I will bring that to you.

I think we should be most famous for our world record breaking run of the mile. We ran the mile in two minutes and thirty-two seconds. Now do you think anybody gives us the credit we deserve for that? No. All they care about is the music and the website. Those are the two things they wanna hear about. They don’t wanna hear about how I ran the mile in two minutes and thirty-two seconds. They don’t wanna hear about how I saved the president’s life one day, by catching a bullet with my bare hand and then throwing it into the sea. That was just…I was being dramatic when I did that. (moans) And yet people only wanna talk about the music and the website. It’s frustrating. I’m not gonna lie.

Yeah. That is all us. We wouldn’t allow anyone else to touch our website. Because nobody else has the golden voice that we do, when we sit down and we come up with our brilliant plans.

Do I have the time? We make time. It’s important. We don’t have the time, surely no you’re right. That’s why I sleep 16 minutes a day and never consecutively.  I sleep in (starts laughing and has troubles to continue speaking) 13 seconds intervals a number of times a day and that multiplication equals…what did I say? 16 minutes? 16, precisely 16 minutes. I can’t tell you how many naps that is, I don’t keep track of that. I don’t have time doing the math. But yeah, when you sleep 16 minutes a day you find time to work on your website.

I skipped one of my 13 seconds naps.

I know, I know. I didn’t want to, but this interview is important to me.

No. I was sitting here and drinking beer.

I think the only thing to do, is to take a magnificent earth core and sort of core out all of Switzerland and maybe a little bit of northern Italy. Just because we like them…or do we? I don’t know.

All right we take a little bit of northern Italy with us. (raises his voice) No Germany. We uncore this portion of the earth and move it over to Tahiti. If you’ve never been to Tahiti: the climate is spectacular at all times of the year. So now everybody in Switzerland is enjoying Tahiti. The Alps are still majestic and high enough that they receive a certain amount of annual snowfall. Enough to keep the (chuckles) ski bunnies perfectly happy. And then what we do…now this is what’s important. We’ve got a big hole now in the earth over in Switzerland. Now what do we do? We fill it with chocolate. Liquid chocolate. And we get Jet Skis and we charge 10 dollars a head to jet ski in chocolate. And then we send that money to Switzerland in Tahiti. And you’re Swiss financial troubles are over. We’ve been reading a lot about the poor, poor economy in Switzerland. Everybody feels bad and nobody wants to bring it up. (laughs) I have come up with just the solution. A huge, huge chocolate lake in which we can all Jet Ski for ten, I say ten Swiss Francs. That’s better than the Dollar. Isn’t it?

The Franc is weaker than the dollar? Oohoohoo. Oh, isn’t that interesting? Well then we’ll go ahead and make it American Dollars.

Oh. See what nerds don’t understand is that it’s not being a rock star that gets girls. And it’s a common mistake, because…The question we shall all ask is, what do all rock stars have that unifies them? It’s that they all have Jet Skis. And what the girls love? Jet skis. A girl can’t resist a man on a Jet Ski. Zipping around on a chocolate lake. So. All a nerd has to do is get himself a Jet Ski, by whatever means possible. Maybe he hast the cash already, maybe he borrows it from his parents, maybe he checks books out of the public library and sells them…whatever. It doesn’t matter. Get a Jet Ski, the ladies will find you irresistible.
I don’t have a Jet Ski unfortunately. I crashed mine a couple of days ago into a big marshmallow wall. Oh what a delicious mistake it was. (laughs).

Ooh. Well the idea here is consolidation. You need to assimilate all the other radio stations in the world. How do you do this? One mean would be buying them. Now I’m assuming, judging by the equipment you’re using toxic.fm doesn’t have a lot of money. I’m a very keen detective here. But what you can do is bring down the other stations from the inside. Now how do you get into a radio station, what is every radio station’s weakness? Fruit baskets. Show up at their door, knock on it, have a fruit basket. They go in, they eat them. Make sure the fruit is under ripe. This will cause certain gastronomic issues in the employees and they’ll be so wiped out constantly on the toilet, they will have no time to broadcast and the world is yours.

Time traveling? Heh. It’s too easy.

Hey if I told you, you’d abuse the privilege.

Oh no. We are being most courteous and thoughtful with time traveling. We’re only using it to steal desserts of people who don’t deserve them. That’s all we’re doing with it.

We’re policing ourselves. It’s an honor code.

Well you have to, cause I control time travel. (laughs)